Today I woke feeling a little heavier, moving a little slower and decided I needed something.. something to uplift my heavy heart. Grief is like a tidal wave, some days you can ride the waves, other days it feels like the waves takes you to unwanted areas and you have no control. I am missing Griffin so much these days, He should be here.
I should have a 4th grader celebrating his last “Fun Days” at his Elementary School. I should have a 4th Grader who could be giving his little brother high fives in passing as this will be the ONLY school they would have shared the halls with. I should have a 4th Grader that Grace could have given a tour of his new Middle School and given him the “ins and outs”.
I should have a little 10yr old boy looking up to his daddy for advice. I try to imagine Adam with both his boys together… a 6 yr old and 10yr… man would their time be filled with fishing, campouts, tossing a football, projects and “hanging” at the golf course.
I should have celebrated Mother’s Day with all of my children. My Everett made me breakfast in bed, and was SO proud of it he literally ate half my breakfast because it was so GOOD! And my Gracie didn’t want me to lift a finger all day, made a beautiful card and gifts…But I wondered what would Griffin have done? What would his embrace feel like as a 10 year old boy now, what would his card say, would he have laid in bed too and ate my breakfast? I will never know, because he should be here.
Everett has become a little beast on the soccer field, skating faster in hockey and is gearing to start up lacrosse. Would Griffin be in all these sports? Would he still be shooting hoops in the driveway or riding his dirt bike? He should be here.
Grace is kicking butt in school and in sports. Would she and Griffin be outside practicing together? Would he be giving her a run for her money? Would Griffin, Everett and the two boys next door have a “Boy’s Club” and be inseparable all summer? I will never know, because he should be here.
And what would Griffin think of doggie Nora? Would we even have Nora? Would he be teaching her tricks like Ev and Grace do? Would he be begging to have her sleep in his bed? I will never know.
One day my heart broke for a mom GG was helping, and I called Adam so upset. I was brave for the mom but then the tears flowed for Adam. Adam asked me, “Did you cry with that mom?” I said “NO, I would never”! He said, “maybe you should”! “Maybe it’s ok for you to let them know, yes you can be brave but at the same time you are sad for them.”
There is something to be said about being brave, it takes a lot of strength, a lot of energy, and in a way it takes embracing a pretend shield from letting the heartache and pain set in or spread too far. But I am realizing, 3.5 years in the emotions are just as raw as day 1, the memories of those early days are still so vivid and it’s ok. It’s ok to still have those good and bad days, grief and our sadness will never, ever go away. It’s ok for me to in a way to “daydream” about Griffin and what “would have been” because really what is my other choice?
I’d like to think that Griffin would still be a class clown, surrounded by oodles of friends, adored by the adults, a coaches dream, beast at playing sports, annoying to his older sister and bossing his little brother around. I’d like to think Griffin would still be super protective of me especially when it came to a tickle torture by daddy… and I’d like to think Griffin would hang on Adam’s every word wanting to learn everything and anything just like his daddy.
So although I woke feeling a little heavier today, moving a little slower, hugged Grace and Ev a little harder as they left for school.. it’s ok. There is no timeline for grief, and the key is recognizing that statement “there is no timeline for grief” and when the grief because unbearable you take a moment or few and regroup…. In a way draw strength from someone or something.
After the kids went off to school today I watched our 2017 Gold Tie Gala video. To me the video sort of takes you through a tidal wave of emotions. Your heart swells with emotions when you see those brave children enduring cancer with a smile, in a way your heart breaks as you hear Archie’s mom and dad retell “Archie’s Story” but then by the end you feel so honored they shared their personal story and you stand a little taller knowing they are coming through this journey with an amazingly positive outcome…. And then there is the support from friends, families and complete strangers in the last part of the video and you are left in awe.
Today this video, those who are in it…. is where I will draw strength from...